Reviewed by James Holloway
"Warrior. Legend. King. "
Directed by Chuck Russell
Starring Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, Kelly Hu, Michael Clarke Duncan, Steven Brand, and Bernard Hill
BMM Keywords: Commercial, Gratuitous sexuality
Professional wrestler The Rock plays Mathyas, an assassin-guy hired to kill an evil king (Brand) ... or possibly his socerer sidekick (Hu). When the bad guy kills his brother and another crony, Mathyas and the sorceress take it on the lam, eventually teaming up with a tribal leader (Duncan), a mad scientist (Hill), and a cute little kid to take on the baddie and his hordes.
Well, it has dumb movie fight scenes, gratuitous semi-nudity (heavily leg-focused, which is weird... that's quite old-fashioned, don't you think?), and a big dumb guy for its hero. Silly, overblown psuedo-bronze-age sword and sandal fare.
Funnily enough, it's the Rock's performance. He doesn't take it at all seriously, presenting Mathyas as just a big dumb mostly-good-natured lunk who happens to be a crazy desert assassin. It's strongly reminiscent of Conan the Barbarian, actually.
Not too bad. It's a mindless little actioner, solidly put together. It's not terribly intelligent or well-made, but it's not horrible.
Mathyas, shot by the baddie, yanks the arrow out and shoots it back.
Production values: All-right-ish. Saves money on Kelly Hu's costumes, anyway. 11
Dialogue and performances: Nope. 15
Plot and execution: Evil warlord, you killed my brother, smooch smooch stab. 13
Randomness: The aforementioned teleporting kid, a conveniently placed lair, and more. 15
Waste of potential: Not really. It stars the Rock: what were you expecting? 5
*
Reviewed by James Holloway
"In the future ... it pays to be more than human. "
Directed by Albert Pyun
Starring
Olivier Gruner, Tim Thomerson, and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
BMM Keywords: So bad it's good, incomprehensible, unnecessary pathos/angst, gratuitous sex, pitiful attempts at cool, unacceptable pretensions, Olivier Gruner
Right. Alex is a cop, see, and he's hunting these terrorists called the Red Army Hammerheads. The RAH are cyborgs. Or maybe they don't like cyborgs. Anyway, Alex gets shot up by them and has to have even more of his meaty bits replaced with robot parts. He pursues his quest for vengeance to "Baja, New America," where he guns down the people who shot him up. He then confronts the LAPD types who follow him, and tells them he's quitting.
Good so far?
More time passes, and we find Alex eking out a mercenary lifestyle in the "New Rio net." He gets bushwhacked by a cyborg and taken to confront his LAPD boss (Tim Thomerson) and his inexplicably European minions. They tell him he's got a bomb in him and send him off to Java or somewhere to track down some terrorists. Or something. A chip with his ex-girlfriend's personality
(Personality is a pretty strong term for it - The Prophet) on it comes into it somewhere. Surprise surprise, Tim Thomerson was the baddie all along, being in actuality an evil cyborg who replaced the real Tim Thomerson and who now chases Alex and this girl he just met all over hell and gone, shooting at them with an arsenal of high-tech
waprons.
Yes, waprons. Goodness defeats wickedness, hurrah hurrah.
Olivier Gruner fails to bring the necessary tenderness and humanity to his role as a none-too-bright robot. Special effects are crude, fight scenes are stilted and dull, and the love interest was obviously sleeping with the director, which just goes to show that if your name is Albert Pyun, even being a Hollywood director is not enough to get the really pretty girls. He's going to have to start dealing coke.
Uh, some of the scenery is kind of nice, I guess, when they're in the south pacific. And Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is funny as a tropical gangster. But he's not in it for long.
I saw this movie with the Prophet and Tim, and those hardened veterans were ready to gnaw their own legs off to get away. And the Prophet wasn't even drinking.
Alex and girl-he-just-met fly away from robo-Thomerson in a plane on strings. But the villain clings to the bottom and clambers up to attack! In the ensuing struggle (which is all done in stop-motion; it's kind of like watching Jack Skellington kick King Kong's ass), robo-Thomerson grabs Gruner's head and scrapes it against the plane's torn bulkhead, peeling the skin off his forehead, revealing gleaming metal beneath!. Course, we already knew Alex was a cyborg, so it's really not that big a deal.
Production values: Poor, even allowing for it being 1993. Unforgivable in areas like props and armoury, which aren't that expensive. 17
Dialogue and performances: Nope. 15
Plot and execution: Remember Blade Runner? Well, imagine if it sucked. 17
Randomness: Well, if you mean "random" in the sense of "proceeds with no rhyme or reason" then, well, yeah. 15
Waste of potential: The relationship between humanity and technology has been the basis of many great stories. This is not one of them. 13
Reviewed by James Holloway
"Crime at the speed of light. "
Directed by Phillip J. Roth
Starring
Olivier Gruner, Alicia Coppola, and Jorja Fox
BMM Keywords: Boring, So bad it hurts, Unnecessary pathos, Olivier Gruner
In a weird future setting where electronic commerce has been destroyed by crime, a cargo ship has to carry a load of cash money between planets. Disgraced cop Olivier Gruner is given the crummy assignment of guarding the cash after being framed by a superior who is also a romantic rival. While the ship passes through an asteroid field, space-hijacker types board the ship and Gruner must fight them off more-or-less alone. Predictable plot "twists" are provided by the space pirates and ship's crew continually trying to double-cross one another and get their hands on the loot.
In two words: Olivier Gruner. In a few more words: Olivier Gruner, the king hell pig run of all implausible settings, and cheap-jack production values. Jorja Fox and some guy as the space pirate leaders ham the hell out of their roles, which only serves to throw Gruner's almost schizophrenic lack of affect into sharp relief.
Hmmm. Uh, OK! Here's a thing. Gruner's character and his shipmate are nicely ambiguous. As a cop who's been kicked around by the forces of law and order, it would be traditional for him to be really upright and noble all the time. But in fact he's really tempted by the idea of making off with the loot and writing off his beautiful but useless girlfriend. It's left unclear at the ending, which is kind of nice.
Really? It's bad. If you're making a science fiction movie and you don't have any money, you need to have good ideas or good performances. This has neither.
Easy. Left alone on the spaceship for months while the crew hibernate, Stokes (I just looked it up, and Olivier's called Stokes in this movie) goes a little peculiar. This leads to the greatest scene in Olivier's career, as he ballet dances around the empty ship in his long johns. It's twice as alarming coming in the middle of such a bland movie.
Production values: Poor. CGI effects courtesy of Babylon 5. 15
Dialogue and performances: Oh hell no. 18
Plot and execution: Standard. Romantic failure, space pirates! Bang bang aaah. 12
Randomness: A certain amount. Shifty economy, uncalled for space battle scene. Also space ballet -- good but random.13
Waste of potential: It's got Olivier Gruner in it. On the other hand, replace him with, I dunno, Bruce Campbell and it could have been very good. 11
(like a lot of Gruner works, it dodges the bullet on Waste of Potential)