Reviewed by Simon Drake
Directed by Michael Apted
Starring Pierce Brosnan, Robert Carlyle and Judi Dench.
When Robert King, an Oil tycoon industrialist, is
inconveniently exploded in the lobby of the MI6 (or MI5 I forget which)
building. Bond has to protect his daughter Electra (Sophie Marceau, with a
bizarre 80's throwback wardrobe that makes her look as if she's just wandered
off a Kate Bush music video) from Renard (Bobby Carlyle) who had kidnapped her
several years previously. Renard is now impervious to pain thanks to a lodged
bullet in his medula oblongata (as 009 can't shoot properly) and vows to kill
Electra as she escaped his clutches after a botched money drop negotiation from
M (Judi Dench). Or something.
Renard and his team of the worlds crappest terrorists try to
kill Electra for the first half the film (and still find time to steal a nuclear
warhead to hold the world to ransom). Then it turns out, Gasp! Electra is the
evil one instigating the whole thing and kidnaps M to explain the plot to (yes
we've all seen Austin Powers!) and Bond and "Dr" Denise Richards have
to save the day.
As you would probably guess, they do which in turn leads to
the worst double entendre kiss off line since "I think he's attempting
re-entry Sir?"
I'll just say before I start, I love Bond films! (even the shite ones) However they do tend to fall into three categories.
The world is Not Enough falls into the third category. It
has some of the best ideas, the best actors and the best Bond for years, but
just doesn't gel.
I think the problem with Bond films now is that they were so
perfectly parodied by Austin Powers, it's left them a little unsure where to go
in terms of plots and narrative. The makers have done themselves no favours at
all by just hoping we'll all forget the Powers franchise. Having a bald 'lazy
eyed psycho' as the megalomaniac villain (there is even a scene where he steals
the 'Krablacistjan Nuclear warhead') and having terrible puns that even Mike
Myers would deem too cheesy. The plot is a bit of a mish-mash and has several
head scratching 'Why are they doing that?' moments.
But worst of all (other than Denise Richards as a nuclear
scientist, either the best in-joke, or the worst piece of casting in film
history) is the wasting of what could have been one of the best baddies ever.
Robert Carlyle playing an anarchist terrorist that can't feel pain. He will get
stronger every day until he dies. WOW we are going to get a Terminator/Jaws (not
the shark) type of unstoppable foe that Bond will endlessly fight, but he just
keeps coming. Which is like well psychological man.
What do we get?
Robert Carlyle looking like Dr Evil from Russia (clearly from
the same Russian/Scotch district as Sean Connery in 'Hunt for Red October') and
getting in a tiff as he can't get an erection. Then has a nuclear reactor pipe
through the chest. Wow he sucks!
And he doesn't even have a punch up with Pierce Brosnan!
Brosnan has perfected the role to become one of the (if
not the) best Bonds ever. With a mixture of suave arrogance, offhandedly jocular
and unexpected brutality he remains endlessly watchable throughout. Judi Dench
gives the whole proceedings a touch of class and lends some much needed gravitas
to the limp story. Plus she does a little more in this film than her previous
roles of showing up and barking a mission at Bond. Now she goes all Macguyer and
turns a bargain bin alarm clock into a radio locator transponder (with Internet
access). Plus she lamps Electra King in the face (although Bond goes one step
further and shoots Electra in cold blood).
The stunts (one of the reasons people are going to show up)
are good, but not great. The opening boat chase down the Thames is a real
highpoint (but as usual they've shot their bolt by having the best scene in the
pre-credits sequence).
There is something almost comforting about Bond films…You
know where you are, you know what you're going to get and this rattles along
leaving its plausibility at the door…And isn't that what it's all about?
Not terrible at all, but in terms of Bond films; you could say a bit of a damp squib. A convoluted plot, mis-cast actors and touches of seriousness is not what Bond films are about. In my opinion a 'madman with a weapon of mass-destruction living in a hollowed out volcano with a team of Ninjas' says it so much better.
The stunt sequences seem too easy to point out. So I'll go
for the cracking bit where Robbie Coltrane as the Russian entrepreneur Valentine
walks into his office to find a semi-naked Denise Richards sitting on a sofa.
'Russian' Robbie does the finest impression of 'Roger Moore doing an impression
of Sean Connery'.
"Huw did you get phast schcurity?"
Hilarious…Was it meant to be? I couldn't honestly tell you.
Production Values - Top notch really. Stunts, explosions, sets are all great. Although Robert Carlyle's facial scars tend to move around (or disappear completely) and that hand that the glass shards are pulled from is fooling no one. The wardrobe designers could do with shifting it out of the 80's too. Bond dressed as Lovejoy; Electra dressed as Kate Bush and Renard dressed like Citizen Smith…Power to the people! 9
Dialogue and performance - The script clangs big style. Disjointed plot explanation and terrible puns galore. The performances fare better (Brosnan, Dench, Marceau). One feels that Carlyle could have more to do, and whoever thought John Cleese as a half assed Basil Fawlty would be a good idea to replace the late great Q is sorely mistaken. 10
Plot and execution - Michael Apted, not exactly noted for his action movie credentials (Gorillas in the mist anyone?) he elects good performances, and clearly lets the other guys direct the action. But they don't exactly make the screen sizzle. The plot is a bizarre hybrid of Broken Arrow and Austin Powers and is often hard(ish) to follow. But at least it doesn't have fat bastard in (although Pierce is looking a little tubby these days…Snigger snigger) 13
Randomness - Pretty random. Many pointless sub plots and distractions (what's with the Beluga factory shoot-out?). 17
Waste of potential - This is where the film scores big! Goldeneye proved that there was still life left in the Bond franchise. Tomorrow Never Dies showed that Pierce could shine even during moribund plots. And now you've got Bond who's found his feet. A bad guy with a great angle played by an excellent actor. Judi Dench with an expanded role. Robbie Coltrane reprising his 'comedy Russian' role (with a slightly wobblier accent than Goldeneye). This could have been the best. However they then got Denise Richards and a pointless script on board. Big mistake. 19.
*
Reviewed by Simon Drake
Directed by Michael Bay
Starring Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage and Ed Harris.
Mad as hell veteran, Colonel Hubbell (Ed Harris) armed with a troop of supporting actors and a deadly virus takes a bunch of hostage's erm…hostage on Alcatraz Island. So a team of supporting actor Navy Seals is deployed who are, as usual, really pants and get killed instantly. This leaves only chemical weapons expert nerd Stanley Goodspeed (Nicolas Cage) and ex-SAS pensioner John Mason (Sean Connery) - who is the only person to escape Alcatraz - to battle the bad guys and save the day.
It's a Jerry Bruckheimer film. Which means, high
production values, a script written on a stamp, lots of wobbly cameras and fast
edits and a 'Power' score from Hans Zimmer or Mark Mancina…Or both.
Following a standard computer game narrative 'They run they
jump. They fight a bad guy and move up a level to reach the main bad guy'.
It is completely implausible and pointless.
All Bruckheimer films have a firm mission statement.
It's a Jerry Bruckheimer film. Which means, high
production values, a script written on a stamp, lots of wobbly cameras and fast
edits and a 'Power' score from Hans Zimmer or Mark Mancina…Or both.
Following a standard computer game narrative 'They run they
jump. They fight a bad guy and move up a level to reach the main bad guy'.
It is completely implausible and pointless.
Nicolas Cage makes a corking comedy action nerd, perfect foil
to Connery's grizzled tough guy (and Ed Harris's over emoting)
The gags are pretty good and the action is great.
It's great stuff, complete popcorn movie trash at its finest and it knows it.
Sean Connery calling people "Fucking idiots" all
the time in his Scottish brogue.
Or "The feet thing?" joke.
Production values - Super slick, as one would expect from a Bruckheimer film. Crazy coloured filters, cars going boom, the heroes outrunning a flaming fireball and to the sounds of a Hans Zimmer score. "And the blood spurts out in slow motion". 2
Dialogue and performance - The script had to be 'Punned-up' by the writers of Porridge (oh the irony!) and Auf Wiedersehen Pet. The actors acquit themselves, but are hardly given much character development (unless you count "Hey you met my Mum at a Led Zeppelin concert" as character development). 10
Plot and execution - The plot is pretty ropy, madman with a deadly virus meets Die-Hard. However it's all handled with Michael Bay's usual sledgehammer approach (fast edits, fast action, fasted plot). And all the better for it! 7
Randomness - Most of the good/bad marines you recognise from the actors rather than any discernible characteristics. Bu the randomness comes from the John Woo School of "Oh come on That wouldn't happen!" exclamations rather than plot holes. 8
Waste of potential - Probably the best ever Sean Connery wizened philosopher/Ex SAS agent action film about a madman with a deadly virus set in San Francisco (with obligatory car chase throw in!) EVER! 0
*
Reviewed by Simon Drake
Directed by Albert Pyun
Starring Charles Sheen and Gary Lewis.
Washed up Ex-criminal-profiler James Macgregor (Charles
Sheen) leaves America to live in Glasgow (for some undisclosed reason). After
plugging his book about his capture of a serial killer in America on TV he keeps
getting messages from a Glasgow based killer who has a habit of leaving naked
dead woman around the city.
Macgregor decides to join the Police in the detection of this
killer (who sends in obituaries to Newspapers before he kills the woman), quits
drinking and goes on a sort of moral redemption quest (but this being an Albert
Pyun film it's not so much L.A Confidential than T.J Hooker).
He tracks the killer down and erm…That's it.
Seeing as it's an Albert Pyun film it's typically a little
bizarre in it's narrative and pacing.
The first half is very dull, too much time is spent showing
how much of a washed up maverick alcoholic Macgregor is, but then giving no real
background to his character. There are numerous random cutaways making it
difficult to fathom whether they are dream sequences, flashbacks or present
time. The lighting is complete Pyun, lots of turquoise rooms that look like they
were filmed at the bottom of a swimming pool or someone shinning a red torch at
the actors from off camera.
The serial killer's motives are never fully explained (even
with a bunch of pointless flashbacks) it seems his justification to carrying out
a bunch of intricate and time consuming murders (and toying with the police) is
to spite his Dad for not leaving him the family business. The actor they've got
to play the killer just isn't scary or creepy at all, he looks like he wouldn't
say boo to a goose let alone murder a bunch of woman.
Mr Pyun seems to have actually learnt some filmic ability
finally, There is something resembling a cohesive plot and the actors don't all
look as if they are reading from cue cards (although there is a few wobbly
Scottish accents from obvious American actors).
And on several occasions there is actually some suspense and
atmosphere created (mostly due to the fairly impressive 'Seven'-esque soundtrack
and grimy Glasgow locations)
Charles Sheen actually gives an okay performance, no Oscar
winner sure, but at least he can actually emote (and strangely enough seems at
home playing a drunken, womanising maverick!).
It's actually one of Albert Pyun's better (best?) efforts. Having a semblance of a plot, a smattering of acting and a side ordering of effort it is not terrible, but hardly great, and I doubt it'll give the makers of 'Seven' or 'Silence of the Lambs' any sleepless nights.
A seedy journalist offers to pay for Macgregor's bar tab
in exchange for a scoop
"Put your money away Son" says the barman when two
£50 notes are placed down "that's not nearly enough!"
Production values - The film looks as if it was filmed on a camcorder
(which it probably was) and has opening credits that look as if they were made
through 'PhotoShop' (also probably was) with some crappy 'Gothic' font.
The lighting is as usual really bizarre, lots of crazy reds, blues and yellows
in the most unlikely places (interrogation rooms, seedy dive pubs, and Highland
retreats). 18
Dialogue and performance - Hardly David Mamet stuff, but there are a smattering of good lines and enough to keep you interested, although the detection itself relies to heavily on complete chance to catch the killer rather than actual police work. Performances aren't too bad, Charlie Sheen still has an iota of screen presence, and the several of the Scottish detectives swear with vigour. 6
Plot and execution - Watching an Albert Pyun film that doesn't make
you want to vomit blood; surely this can't be right?
He actually seems to be giving a damn about what's on screen,
there are several moments that could almost be tense and while the
characterisation sucks and several of the more interesting sub plots aren't
developed, it still is actually quite watchable. 7
Randomness - Sadly, just as a leopard can't change its spots, Pyun can't prevent randomness overflowing from the story. Not only do we have continuity gaffs, there is plot contradictions, random characters drifting around and a plethora of 'huh?' cutaways. 17
Waste of potential - Considering the "creative" output of the film, I was prepared for the worst, but I was surprised (hardly pleasantly though) that it didn't suck completely. 9