Stupid, stupid; go and
wait for Vincini with Cupid
- William Goldman, The Princess Bride
While Theory 1B (Six-String-Samurai as Grail Legend) remains my most extensive Crazy Film Theory (CFT), I do have others. Theory 1B can be found by following this link here, while the others can be found below.
There have been many...
alright, several attempts to condense the matter of the vast Germanic epic, the
Nibelungenleid, into a concise form. Most of them have failed.
The most famous of these failures is of course Wagner's four
opera magnum opus, Der Ring des Nibelungen, which is normally performed over the course of
a week, and sits, in all its fourteen disc splendour, as the pride of any moderately
bloated classical CD or record collection. The sheer magnitude of the opera is due in
large part to the fact that Wagner was at the time on the payroll of Ludwig II of Bavaria,
and not being required to produce operas for the rent money felt able to really go mad and
indulge himself.
Today it is possible to buy after some performances
t-shirts bearing the legend 'I Survived the Ring'.
As seems to have been his wont, Wagner took some liberties
with his source material to produce a rip-roaring rollercoaster of a plot, set to hours
and hours of really loud, dramatic, Prussian opera music (including popular favourite the
Ride of the Valkyries in Opera 3; Die Valkure). It is the first opera however, Das
Rheingold, to which I turn for theory 3C.
Das Rheingold sets
the scene for the Ring Cycle by telling of the theft of the Rhinegold - a magical treasure
concealed in the waters of the river Rhine and guarded by the three immortal Rhine maidens
- and the forging of the Ring of the Nibelungen. The opera opens with the Rhine Maidens at
play in the waters of the Rhine. The dwarf Alberich appears, and they taunt him by each in
turn flirting with him, then running away laughing. In revenge, Alberich steals the
Rhinegold when it is revealed by the light of the sun.
Meanwhile, the chief god Wotan has a problem: in exchange
for the rebuilding of their walls they have promised two giants - Fafner and Fasolt - the
goddess Freia, but Freia is neither his to give, nor someone the gods can afford to lose,
as she is the keeper of the golden apples which give everlasting life to the gods. Seeking
a way out, Wotan consults the fire god, Loge, and the giants are persuaded to take the
Rheingold in place of Freia, if it is delivered in time. Loge and Wotan then proceed to
take the gold from Alberich by force, but when the gold is handed over, the giants fall to
fighting between themselves, and Fasolt is killed by Fafner, who takes the gold for
himself while the Gods return to Valhalla.
So far so good, but what about Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?
1) Das Rheingold begins with Alberich stealing the
gold of the Rheinmaidens, who have taunted and teased him mercilessly.
- In LS2SB the gang steal the drugs and money after the Hooray Henry
chemists all but wave it in the face of one of them.
2) The gods have foolishly become indebted to Fafner
and Fasolt. Odin persuades the giants to accept as a substitute price for Freia the gold,
which the giants also demand must be able to completely bury the goddess standing up.
- The lads foolishly become indebted to Harry in the poker game. In
return, JD's bar will be forfeit if they can not come up with enough cash to bury Sting
standing up (or just £500,000).
3) Loge and Odin force Alberich to part with the
loot at God-of-Fire-point.
- The lads force the gang to part with the loot at knife point.
4) Although the debt is repaid, all is far from well.
OK; it isn't completely there, but I think its good enough to make a case. The theory originally sprang from the simpler realisation that Das Rheingold was in fact the first modern heist movie, and that at least is fairly evident.
Soldier, starring Kurt Russell, is in fact the bastard love-child of Quake II and Gattaca. This is not - in the words of Bill Hicks - supposition, it is not opinion. I can prove this on an Etch-a-Sketch.
1) Kurt Russell somehow manages to simultaneously lug around every weapon in the Soldier arsenal, including those old faves a rocket launcher and a chain gun. This is Quake II.
2) Human Spirit triumphs over genetic superiority. This is Gattaca.
The prosecution rests.