In Progress
Humour, Fluff
Season 6
Disclaimers:
Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the
property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, The SciFi Channel, MGM/UA, Double Secret
Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is written purely for my own
entertainment, and that of anyone else who may happen to read it. No
infringement of copyright is intended. It is not intended and should never be
used for commercial purposes.
The original characters, situations and ideas
contained within this work are the property of the author.
Author's Notes:
It was late, and I was tired. I have no idea if Cheyenne Mountain has a daycare centre.
All credit for the Real Irishmen Brigade is due to Tim.
Acknowledgements:
Thanks to Sho, my dogged beta reader. Sometimes, I don't know how she puts up with me.
Once upon a time, in a land as far away as dreaming, there lived a duke. This duke had once been a mighty warrior, but time had mellowed him and brought him wisdom, and now he ruled over the Duchy of Hammond with a firm but gentle hand, and his people loved him. The Duke of Hammond loved his people as much as they loved him, but the one person that he loved more than any other was his niece, the Lady Alice. Since the death of his dear wife, Lady Alice had been the sole light of the Duke of Hammond's life, and the people of Hammond loved her as much as their Duke did. She was the fairest maiden in the Duchy, and her kindness and generosity were justly renowned.
Because he loved her so, it distressed the Duke of Hammond greatly when, one day, his beloved niece could not be found. He summoned all his guards and all his servants, all his counsellors and all his courtiers, and set them to searching Cheyenne Castle from top to bottom; from deepest dungeon to highest stair. They searched in the chambers and they searched in the halls; they searched in the passages and searched in the cellars; they searched in the kitchens and they searched in the buttery; they searched in the courtyard and they searched in the gardens. The smallest of the servants even searched in the drains and up the chimneys, but they could find neither hide nor hair of Lady Alice, and they were most distraught.
"Duke," the captain of the guard said, for that is how you address a duke when you first speak to him. "We have searched Cheyenne Castle from top to bottom; from deepest dungeon to highest stair, and found neither hide nor hair of our beloved Lady Alice."
"Then question the guards and the servants," the Duke of Hammond ordered. "Question the counsellors and the courtiers. Find out who saw her last, and find out where she was going."
"Yes, Your Grace," the captain replied, for that is how you address a duke when you speak to him after.
And so the captain of the guard questioned the guards and the servants, the counsellors and the courtiers. From the lowest scullion to the Duke himself, he asked each of them when they had last seen the Lady Alice, and with tears in their eyes they would speak of seeing her on the walls or in the halls; in her chambers or in the gardens; but always it seemed that someone else had seen her later.
At last, the captain returned to the Duke, and he said: "Duke" – for that is how you address a duke when you first speak to him – "I have questioned the guards and the servants, the counsellors and the courtiers, and the last person to see your niece, the fair Lady Alice, was a washerwoman. She saw the Lady emerge from buttery and cross the courtyard in the company of a physician before leaving through the postern gate. She says that she was afraid, because the doctor's shadow seemed to be that of a great jackal."
"A jackal!" The Duke of Hammond exclaimed, now more dismayed than ever, for he knew that when a man's shadow did not match his form, then that man must surely be a shapeshifter. "Does anyone know what a jackal-shadow would betoken?"
"Duke," the eldest of the courtiers said, for that is how you address a duke when you first speak to him. "In the time of your father's father there was a man, brave and noble, handsome and strong. This man was a great friend of your father, but in time he grew hungry for power and studied the blackest arts. He became a shapeshifter, and his shadow ever after was that of a jackal. He fought with your father and tried to overthrow the Ducal line. During their fight the shapeshifter's face was scarred. In an attempt to regain his handsome looks, he tried to shift into the form of another human being, and to punish such vanity God smote him. Now it is said that he wears a mirrored mask, so that his victims see only their own terror as he kills them; he rules over the Land of Silver and Shadows, beyond the magic door, and his name…" At this the counsellor shivered in fear. "Is Anubis."
"Anubis!" The Duke of Hammond cried out. "The Wizard?"
"One and the same," the counsellor replied.
"Then my niece is held in the Land of Silver and Shadows," the Duke declared.
"Indeed, Your Grace," the counsellor agreed, for that is how you address a duke when you speak to him after. "But you must understand that she is under the wizard's thrall; his servant."
"My niece is strong," the Duke said, with confidence. "If she can be found, she shall remember who she is. Were I a younger man, I would seek her out myself. Now, I shall leave the fighting to younger men. Let this word go forth from this place: To the man who rescues my niece, and returns her to me, I shall grant the hand of the Lady Alice in marriage, and half my Duchy shall be his also."
The Duke of Hammond looked down on his knights, gathered there in his hall, but they looked away, ashamed.
"Will none take up this quest?" The Duke asked. "Is there not one man in this assembly who shall go?"
At the back of the hall, a man stood forth, and said: "Duke" – for that is how you address a duke when you first speak to him – "I will go."
The knights and courtiers looked at this man and some of them laughed, for he was but a humble man, dressed in a worn and faded doublet which clearly showed his poverty.
"And who might you be, Sir?" The Duke asked.
"I am Lord Fairbrass, Your Grace," the man replied, for that is how you address a duke when you speak to him after. "I am a poor man, although a baron, with little to offer but my courage, and I would not presume to ask the generous reward you have offered. I ask only that I might be made a knight so that I will be worthy of this quest."
Now, a baron is of greater status than a knight, but all knew what Lord Fairbrass meant. To be a baron is a hereditary right, and it speaks something of a man's family. A knighthood can not be inherited however; a man must be created a knight on his own merit for his own service, and so that speaks something of him.
"Lord Fairbrass, you honour me," the Duke said. "I shall knight you with my own sword, and should you succeed I will consider it an insult if you refuse that which I have promised."
Seeing this humble man prepared to do what they were not, three of the knights in that hall leaped up. "This can not be!" They cried. "We shall return the Lady Alice to you, for a penniless baron is no fit champion for so great a man as you, Duke of Hammond." This, you may be assured, is no way at all to speak to a Duke, at first or thereafter.
"Go then," the Duke said, darkly. "But if this penniless baron should succeed where you fail, do not return to my halls, for I do not forgive insults to my friends."
And so the knights left to gather their followers, and the Duke's great sword was brought from the armoury. Lord Fairbrass knelt before the Duke, who laid the flat of the blade on his shoulders and pronounced him a knight of Hammond. Then the spurs of knighthood were placed upon Lord Fairbrass' boots, and he stood before his liege, which means the lord he was sworn to serve.
"How many men ride with you?" The Duke of Hammond asked.
"No men, Your Grace," Lord Fairbrass replied. "Nor do I ride, for I have no horse."
The Duke looked shocked, but went on: "Do you at least have a servant? A young man who might become your squire?"
"No, Your Grace," Lord Fairbrass replied.
"Then who keeps your armour, and your sword?" The Duke of Hammond asked.
"I have no armour, Your Grace," Lord Fairbrass replied. "Nor a sword, for my ancestral blade was sold by my grandfather."
"This cannot be," the Duke declared. "Do you know how to fight, man?"
"I do," Lord Fairbrass assured his liege. "I have trained with a sword, though I have none of my own, and in armour besides. My father's neighbours were good enough to provide for me. They also schooled me in riding, although I never have possessed my own horse. I have a spear, a bow, a shield and a dagger," he added.
"This will not do," the Duke declared. "Bring this man armour, and bring him a sword. Find him a horse, and muster him a dozen of the guards."
"Your Grace," Lord Fairbrass said. "I must travel far in your service; armour would only be an encumbrance. Also, I have no skill at all in leading men, and so the offer of a company of guards – while appreciated – I must also decline. But a horse and a sword I will take, if you will, for those I shall have use for."
The Duke of Hammond frowned, wondering if he might have dubbed a lunatic a knight of his realm. "You will storm the fortress of the wizard Anubis alone?" He asked.
"God willing, not alone, Your Grace," Lord Fairbrass assured him. "But without an army, yes. I have studied the ways of wizards a little," he explained. "I believe that I have a plan that will succeed, but it will need the help of some very special champions."
"Then may God go with you," the Duke of Hammond said, although many of his courtiers scoffed at the notion of a knight having anything so ungallant as a plan.
*
Lord Fairbrass set out on his journey. The Duke of Hammond had shown him great favour and kindness, and for this reason the lords of the realm had looked on him with envy. As the Duke had ordered it, he was given a horse and a sword, but the horse was the weariest old nag in the stables, more bone than flesh, and the sword was a clumsy, heavy thing, caked in red rust. Lord Fairbrass was not easily dismayed however, and so with a glad heart he donned his long coat of blue and silver, which were the colours of his family. He saddled his old and weary horse, hung his heavy, rusted sword, his heavy bow and his old, battered shield on the saddle, set his dagger at his belt, took his spear in hand, and set out on his great quest.
Lord Fairbrass realised that he would gain little speed trying to ride his forlorn old nag, and so he took the spurs from his boots and walked, leading the horse by her bridle.
After many miles of walking, Lord Fairbrass came to a great, green house by a rushing green river. In the midst of the torrent stood a green island, and tied up at the near bank was a green boat. He tethered his horse to a green tree and walked across the green lawn until he stood before the tall, green door. He reached up and knocked. The green door opened and a green man stepped out. Lord Fairbrass knew at once that his was the man he sought: Jack O' the Green; the leprechaun.
Jack was dressed all in green: Green pants, green shirt, green jacket. His hair was red – although with a little grey creeping in – and his skin was brown from the sun. He stood over seven feet tall – as all leprechauns do, although folk call them 'the little people' because they are afraid of them – and in one powerful hand he carried a shillelagh. Now a shillelagh is a blackthorn cudgel and the shillelagh of Jack O' the Green was five feet long and looked heavy enough to crack Lord Fairbrass' skull in a single blow.
"Sure an' this is moy land," Jack growled. "Gerrof yeh English peg or I'll crack yeh skull."
"You are Jack O' the Green," Lord Fairbrass said, facing the leprechaun unafraid. "They say you are a brave and cunning warrior, and I find myself in need of such."
"Faith an' begorrah," Jack growled, although he seemed impressed by Lord Fairbrass' calm. "Did yeh not hear me roight the first time? Gerrof with yeh."
Lord Fairbrass looked shocked. "If you insist," he agreed. "But I had heard that a leprechaun never backed down from a fight."
"Who's backing down from a foight?" Jack roared. "I'll crack yeh skull fer yeh if yeh want, but I'll never serve nay Englishman."
"Alright," Lord Fairbrass said. "Then we will fight."
"Go way outta that," Jack scoffed.
"Are you afraid?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"Afraid? Oi'll show yeh, fella!"
"Good," Lord Fairbrass said. "But why not make this more interesting?"
Jack paused, with his shillelagh raised high, for the leprechaun has not been born who would resist a wager. "Geh on," he said.
"If I beat you, you come with me and help me fight an evil wizard," Lord Fairbrass said.
"An' when Oi beat yeh?"
"Well," Lord Fairbrass pointed out. "If you crack my skull, I'll be dead, but you can have my horse if you want."
Jack looked at the horse. "Sure an' there's nay much eating on 'er," he replied. "Fer that Oi canna be arsed tay fight."
"If you are worried, I will only use my dagger," Lord Fairbrass offered.
Jack laughed out loud. "Yeh've made yerself a wager, boyo." He raised his shillelagh. "God love yeh fer an eedjit, but Oi'll almost miss yeh when yeh're dead, sure an' Oi will."
"Wait," Lord Fairbrass said. "Not here. I would hate to get my blood all over your house."
Jack shrugged. "Sure an' it'll wash," he said, raising the shillelagh again.
"What about the island?" Lord Fairbrass suggested. "We could take your boat and fight there."
"That'll do as good as any, roight so," Jack agreed.
The leprechaun tucked his shillelagh under his arm and leaped into the boat. Quick as a flash, Lord Fairbrass untied the painter – and that is the rope by which a boat is tied up – and let it out, until the boat was in the middle of the racing river. He drew his dagger, and set it against the rope.
"Do you yield?" He asked.
"Faith an' begorrah, yeh English peg!" Jack hollered. "Yeh pull me in now or Oi'll grind yeh bones tay make moy bread!"
"And how will you do that from the middle of a river?"
"Do yeh not know that a leprechaun can leap seven leagues in a stride, an' throw his bata" – which is what they call their shillelaghs – "a hundred paces and more?"
"So I have heard," Lord Fairbrass admitted. "But not over running water."
Jack railed and fumed, but Lord Fairbrass was right. He could not do anything to hurt the human while they were separated by the river. "Oi yield," he said at last. "Yeh win. Oi'll come with yeh to fight yeh wizard."
Lord Fairbrass put his dagger away and pulled in the boat. As soon as it touched the shore, Jack leaped out and grabbed Lord Fairbrass.
"Sure an' I like yeh, boyo," he said. "Yeh've got guts, right so, and yer a cunning devil. Let's go kill this wizard o' yers, an' Oi'll even hold off on killin' yeh at the end o' it."
"Not yet," Lord Fairbrass said. "I came to you because I heard you have cunning and strength; now I need to find a warrior with an unwavering heart."
"Ah," Jack said. "Well if that's what yeh be wantin', yeh'll be wantin' a painted man."
"A painted man?"
"Aye. Sure an' the painted men live by their honour more even than a leprechaun."
"Where can we find them?"
"The land o' the painted folk is far awah," Jack replied. "But there's one lives apart, nay far from here."
So Lord Fairbrass set off with his new companion, he leading his horse and Jack swinging his shillelagh, until they reached a bridge over the river. A little hut stood beside the bridge, and as they approached a burly giant stepped out to bar their way. He wore a grey robe and carried a long staff. His skin was black, and Lord Fairbrass knew him for the painted man because he wore a golden tattoo on his brow.
"None shall pass," he said.
"Sure and Oi think we will," Jack said. "Even if Oi have tay knock yeh down first, big fella."
"None shall pass," the painted man repeated. "Not even you, Jack O' the Green."
"Ah, come on now and give it up," Jack said. "Don't make me hurt yeh, Tall Kay."
"We do not wish to hurt you," Lord Fairbrass assured him. "We need your help."
Tall Kay looked at Lord Fairbrass. "I can not leave this bridge unless I am defeated," he said. "And no man can beat me."
"Well neh man can beat me either," Jack replied. "Sure and let's get on wi' this now."
Tall Kay smiled, and stepped backwards onto the bridge, holding his quarterstaff at the ready.
"Faith, Oi thought we moight at least foight on solid ground," Jack said.
"I would sooner fight a leprechaun of your reputation over running water," Tall Kay replied.
"As yeh wish," Jack agreed. "Oi just thought yeh moight want me tay get it over wi' quick."
Jack O' the Green stepped forward, swinging his shillelagh. He met Tall Kay at the middle of the bridge and they fought, wood cracking on wood. Lord Fairbrass stood and watched, and as the battle stretched on and night drew in, he sat and watched.
Tall Kay was the stronger, and his staff gave him more reach, but Jack was the quicker, and in the end that told, and he swept Tall Kay's legs from under him, so that he fell into the river, allowing Jack to jog to the far side of the bridge.
"You have defeated me and crossed my bridge," Tall Kay said, emerging, spluttering from the river. "I am at your service."
"Then yeh're at his service," Jack replied, pointing to Lord Fairbrass. "Fer he defeated me."
"You are indeed a man of courage and honour," Lord Fairbrass commended Tall Kay. "Now I need a wise man."
"There is a man I know of," Tall Kay said. "A wise sage who dwells in the hills. I shall take you to him in the morning."
So in the morning Lord Fairbrass set off with his two companions, he leading his horse, Jack swinging his shillelagh, and Tall Kay leaning on his staff, until they reached a hollow in the hills. In the hollow was a hut, in front of which a man was staring at a goat, who had been tethered to a tree.
"Are you Daniel the Magus?" Tall Kay asked.
"What?" The man asked, looking up in surprise. "Oh, hello; I'm Daniel the Magus."
"I need your help," Lord Fairbrass told him. "To defeat an evil wizard."
"Well, I'm flattered," Daniel said. "But I'm very busy, and I really can't leave right now. As you can see, I have a very difficult problem I'm working on."
"Yeh have a goat," Jack pointed out.
"Well, yes," Daniel agreed. "And if I leave it here, it will starve, tied to this one tree."
"Why then do you not release it?" Tall Kay asked.
"Well, that's the problem," Daniel explained. "A few weeks ago, another sage happened by. We talked, and we disagreed, and he grew angry. He tied my goat to a tree and left in a huff, and now I can't untie my goat."
"Why not?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"Well, see for yourself," Daniel invited.
The three of them looked, and they saw that the knot had no ends; no means to untangle it and set the goat free.
"What if you pull all of the strings at once?" Lord Fairbrass suggested.
Tall Kay walked off towards the hut.
"What if yeh kill the goat now?" Jack offered. Daniel and Lord Fairbrass looked at him. "Oi'm jest sayin'," he protested.
"I have tried everything," Daniel said. "Except killing the goat," he amended.
Tall Kay returned, walked past them all, and swung the sage's wood axe at the rope. The blade sliced through the knot, and the goat bounded cheerfully away.
"Or that," Daniel admitted.
"Will you come with us?" Tall Kay asked.
"Yes," Daniel said at once.
"Then we have our wise man," Lord Fairbrass said.
"Is that it?" Jack asked. "Can we please geh and kick some wizard butt now?"
"There is one more," Lord Fairbrass replied. "You can not fight a wizard without magic; we need a magician of our own."
"Sure an' Oi hate magicians," Jack grumbled.
"I know of one, who dwells not far from here," Daniel said.
"Sure an' Oi hate wise men too."
So Lord Fairbrass set off with his three companions, he leading his horse, Jack swinging his shillelagh, Tall Kay leaning on his staff and Daniel looking around him in fascination, until they reached the dark forest. In the depths of the dark forest, they found a cabin in a clearing, and a woman sat in front of it, mending the bristles of a broomstick and eating olives from a cloth sack.
"Sure an' yeh've got us lost," Jack accused. "Oi'll jest go and ask yon sweet colleen where we're gehin'. Yeh losers stay here; this moight need a leprechaun's touch," he added, trying to smooth down his unruly red hair, with its touch of grey.
"Watch yourself," Daniel recommended. "That's the witch we've come to see."
"A witch!" Jack exclaimed. "Sure an' she looks roight enough."
Daniel rolled his eyes and walked out into the clearing. "Good day!" He called. "Are you the witch, Samantha?"
"I am," she replied.
"We need your help," Lord Fairbrass announced. "We have come here because Daniel the Magus said your skills might be what I need to fight an evil wizard."
"You came here because of chance," Samantha said. "Everything in the universe is governed by chance." She held out her bag of olives. "Two left," she said. "One green, one black. Pick one. If it's green, I'll kill you all; if it's black, I will come with you."
Lord Fairbrass reached out, but Daniel caught his hand. "Wait," he said. "Allow me."
Daniel reached into the bag and drew out an olive. Without a moment's hesitation, he popped it in his mouth and swallowed it. "So," he asked. "Is the black one or the green one left?"
Samantha laughed. "I knew I'd like you," she said, setting the bag aside.
"Is she ney gonna check?" Jack asked.
"They were both green," Daniel explained.
"Everything in the universe is governed by chance," Samantha said again. "That doesn't mean you have to like it; or give in to it." She wrinkled her nose, and the broom flew up into her hand.
"You will come with us?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"Yes," Samantha replied.
"Now ken we kick some evil wizard butt?"
"First, let me tell you what we have to do," Lord Fairbrass said.
*
Samantha bid the four companions rest in her cabin while they planned, and gave them food she drew from her magic cauldron. Jack looked long and hard at his, and refused to touch it until Daniel had eaten some of his.
After they had eaten, Lord Fairbrass explained his plan. "I have sought you all out, because the niece of the Duke of Hammond – the fair Lady Alice – has been enchanted and abducted by the evil wizard Anubis."
"Anubis!" Jack exclaimed. "Yeh didna say the wizard yeh wanted tay kill were that black-hearted peg!"
"Not scared are you?" Samantha asked.
"Sure an' nothin' scares me, but this is plain suicoide. If the foive o' us are tay have a chance against Anubis, we'll need better'n we have."
Lord Fairbrass frowned. "We have cunning and skill; courage and integrity; wisdom; and magic. What more do we need?"
"More of each, and a good portion of luck," Daniel said. "They say that those he captures are held prisoner in his tower, each with a want they must fulfil before they can ever escape."
"We will be the better for wise counsel," Tall Kay suggested. "There is a warrior named Bray, who once served a wizard and knows much of their ways. I know Bray well, and he may be able to advise us."
"I know an apothecary," Daniel added. "Her name is Janet, and she may be able to help."
"I only know of one magician who might have the strength to break Anubis' enchantment of Lady Alice," Samantha said. "The sorcerer Jacob."
Jack shrugged. "Oi don't get out much," he admitted. "But Oi'll provoide the luck, and Oi'll foind yer magic door, sure Oi will."
"Thank you all," Lord Fairbrass said. "We shall go our separate ways in the morning, and meet back here in three days time."
*
So the next morning, the company separated. Tall Kay went East, leaning on his staff, in search of the warrior, Bray. Daniel went West, looking around himself in fascination, in search of the apothecary, Janet. Jack went North in search of the magic door, swinging his shillelagh. Samantha went South to find the sorcerer, Jacob, and at her insistence Lord Fairbrass went with him.
The sorcerer dwelt in a cave, high in the mountains, and to reach it they had to ride on Samantha's flying broomstick. They flew over forest and river, hill and valley, until they reached the great, grey mountains and the cave of the sorcerer. The entrance of the cave looked like the mouth of a giant beast, and Lord Fairbrass entered with some trepidation, with the setting sun at his back.
"It is too dark," he complained. "I can not see."
"One moment," Samantha replied, and then there was light.
Lord Fairbrass looked around, and saw sparkling heaps of gold and jewels; more wealth than the Duke of Hammond could even dream of. He turned, and saw Samantha smiling at him.
"Where is the sorcerer?" He asked.
"Many miles away," she replied. "He can not help you; no-one can. To oppose Anubis would be suicide. Stay here," she suggested. "The wealth of kingdoms is yours for the asking."
Lord Fairbrass shook his head. "I can not," he said. "I am not doing this for wealth or reward, but to rescue the Lady Alice."
"Forget her," Samantha said. "Stay here, with me." She put her arms around him, and kissed him. "I will be your wife, and we shall know luxury beyond Lady Alice's wildest dreams. It will be better for you this way; even if you wed Lady Alice, she might not love you."
"No," Lord Fairbrass replied, gently pushing her away. "You are very beautiful, and this offer is generous, but I love Lady Alice; I have done so since I first saw her, bringing charity to the poor near to the remains of my family home. She has the greatest heart in all the land, and I can not let that languish under Anubis' tyranny, whether she might return my love or not."
Samantha smiled, and she wrinkled her nose. In a flash, the treasure was gone, leaving only a bare, torch lit cave. Behind him, Lord Fairbrass heard the sound of clapping hands. He turned, and saw a man dressed in a piecemeal tunic of suede and tripe, seated on a high chair.
"Who are you?" He demanded.
"I am Jacob," the man replied. "You were looking for me."
"We had to be certain that your heart was pure," Samantha explained. "I apologise for the deception, but if you sought wealth or position in this quest, you would not have been worthy of aid."
"Your faith in me is touching," Lord Fairbrass declared.
"Do not blame Samantha," Jacob said. "The test was mine."
"I passed your test," Lord Fairbrass said. "Give me what I need: The means to break the spell on Lady Alice."
"That you already have," Jacob assured him. "Anubis' spell is powerful; too powerful for any magic to break without destroying Lady Alice's mind. Only a pure heart can break that kind of enchantment; that is why I had to be sure."
"That is all you can give me?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"It is all you need," Jacob assured him. "Although I will also tell you this: No wizard can resist a secret. The more powerful they are, the more secrets draw them."
Samantha laid a hand on Lord Fairbrass' arm. "It is time to go," she said.
Lord Fairbrass looked at the witch for only a moment, but when he turned back, Jacob was gone.
*
So they left the cave, and mounted Samantha's broomstick, and as they left the mountains behind, Lord Fairbrass was amazed to see that a night and most of a day had passed. They flew over valley and hill, over river and forest, until they reached the clearing, and Samantha's cabin. There they rested again for a day and a night.
As they sat at breakfast the next morning, Daniel the Magus returned, still looking around him in fascination.
"Did you find the apothecary, Janet?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I did," Daniel replied. "She wishes you good fortune, and she sends this to aid you." He took from his pack a small bottle. "The philtre" – which is a kind of magic potion – "in this bottle will soothe any living creature into a deep sleep."
"Thank you, Daniel," Lord Fairbrass said. "Will you sit and eat with us while we wait."
"I will," Daniel replied.
Daniel sat with them, and as they ate breakfast, Tall Kay returned, still leaning on his staff.
"Did you find the warrior, Bray?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I did," Tall Kay replied. "He wishes you good fortune, and he sends this to aid you." He took from his pack a small mirror, its frame decorated with jewels. "This mirror was made by Bray's master, who hated Anubis. It will capture the gaze of any wizard who looks upon it."
"Thank you, Tall Kay," Lord Fairbrass said. "Will you sit and eat with us while we wait."
"I will," Tall Kay replied.
Tall Kay sat with them, and as they ate breakfast, Jack O' the Green returned, still swinging his shillelagh.
"Did you find the magic door?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"Aye; Oi found yer magic door," Jack replied, taking a seat at the table. "Faith, but Oi'm parched." He grabbed a flagon of ale from Daniel, and downed it in one draught. "Ah; that's the stuff. Come on then; Oi'll take yer to it."
So they went, Lord Fairbrass leading his horse, Jack swinging his shillelagh, Tall Kay leaning on his staff, Daniel looking about him in fascination, and Samantha soaring overhead on her broomstick. After a day's journey they came to the magic door; a great ring of silver-grey stone, set in a ruined wall, marked with secret runes.
"How does it open?" Lord Fairbrass asked Jack.
"Well Oi'm damned if Oi know," Jack replied. "All you asked was for me to foind it."
"It is simple enough," Daniel said. "You simply spell out the runes which describe your destination."
"Which runes are those?" Samantha asked.
"I don't know," Daniel admitted. "But I shall find out. The rest of you get some sleep."
Lord Fairbrass tried to sleep, but his mind was consumed by thoughts of Lady Alice, a prisoner behind the magic door. He lay awake for a long time, watching Daniel the Magus moving back and forth, studying the runes, and when he finally slept his dreams were troubled. He woke in the cold light of dawn, to see Daniel looking down at him.
"I've got it," Daniel said.
Lord Fairbrass and his companions rose, and watched as Daniel the Magus traced the shapes of seven runes in the air before the magic door. In a flash, the great ring of silver-grey stone was filled with water, and yet the water did not flow away but simply stood, as though it were the most natural thing in the world for a pond to hang on a wall. The pool shone, as though a light burned under the water.
The five companions stared at the door in awe and wonder, fearing to proceed. At last however, Tall Kay stepped forward, walked into the glowing pool and vanished. Encouraged by his bravery, Lord Fairbrass followed. The old horse however refused to pass the shimmering surface, and so, regretfully, Lord Fairbrass took his sword and bow from her saddle, shouldered his spear and shield, and set her loose.
Behind the pool, the companions tumbled through a void of light, and they emerged into the Land of Silver and Shadows. The grass beneath their feet was silver, and the sky above them was silver. A silver road, flanked by silver trees, snaked away into the distance. The whole world around them was silver, and shapes were defined only by the un-light of the black moon, which cast shadows on the world from its place in the silver night sky.
"I have never seen a place like this," Tall Kay murmured.
"Do not let the strangeness of the place disturb you," Samantha advised. "The light is different from our world, nothing more."
Lord Fairbrass stepped forward, and in the silvery haze of the distance he saw a great tower, with walls of ivory, bounded about by four great walls. Samantha handed him a spyglass, and he looked and saw that the first wall was of steel, the second of thorns; the third wall was of granite, and the fourth of darkness. In each wall was a gate, and each gate was guarded, and only once all four gates lay behind him could Lord Fairbrass enter the tower of Anubis, face the wizard himself, and rescue his beloved Lady Alice.
"Sure an' it's a long walk tay that tower," Jack said. "Best we get movin' roight awah."
"Yes," Lord Fairbrass agreed. "Let us go."
So the five companions made their way down the road, Lord Fairbrass without his horse, Jack gripping his shillelagh tightly, Tall Kay with his staff held ready, Daniel focused on the task ahead, and Samantha carrying her broomstick like a weapon. When they were halfway to the first wall, they turned as one at the sound of hooves on the road behind them. Out of the silver distance road three armoured warriors: Knights of the Duke of Hammond's court.
"Thank you for opening the door, brother knight!" One cried as he rode past.
"We shall give your regards to the wizard!" The second knight called.
"And to Lady Alice!" The last knight finished.
"Let me at them!" Jack exclaimed. "I'll crack their skulls fer 'em, and use their heids fer hurlin'."
"Let them go," Lord Fairbrass said.
"What if they succeed in the quest?" Samantha asked.
"Then Lady Alice is saved," Lord Fairbrass replied. "And that is what matters."
So the five companions made their way down the road, Lord Fairbrass without his horse, Jack gripping his shillelagh tightly, Tall Kay with his staff held ready, Daniel focused on the task ahead, and Samantha carrying her broomstick like a weapon. After a time, they came to the first wall, that which was made of steel. The gate in this wall was a gate of oak, bound in iron, with a great bronze handle at its centre. Standing before the gate was the mighty bulk of a golem, and that is an artificial man, formed from river clay and brought to life by magic. Golems are very strong, but do only what they are told to do.
The three knights were standing before the gate, discussing what they should do, but when they saw Lord Fairbrass and his companions approaching, they made a rush for the gate. The first knight put his hands on the bronze handle and dragged the door open, but then the golem snatched him up and dashed his brains out against the wall of steel. Then it slammed the gate closed, but the other two knights were already through.
"Well, tha's one way tay dee it," Jack said.
"What do we do?" Lord Fairbrass asked. "I will not sacrifice one of you."
"Don't worry," Samantha said. "The golem has its orders by magic; if I can access the spell which controls it, I can change its orders. You go on; I will handle this."
"We can not leave you to face such a brute alone," Lord Fairbrass protested.
"Trust in me," Samantha replied.
The witch strode forward, and the golem stood still. She walked right up to the great clay man, and still it did not move, for its only purpose was to slay those who tried to pass through the gate. With a whispered spell and a wrinkle of her nose, Samantha laid her hands upon the flat, clay chest of the golem.
"Follow me," Lord Fairbrass ordered, and he walked towards the gate. The golem made no move to stop them, even when Tall Kay pulled open the gate, and they stepped through.
Beyond the first wall was a grassy courtyard, and here the grass was green and fresh, and the light was bright and silver. The four remaining companions crossed the courtyard to the second wall, that which was made of thorns. The gate in this wall was a gate of wrought iron, with a delicate handle of silver. Beside the gate was a table, on which was set a chessboard. A faerie maiden of great and terrible beauty was seated at the table with the black end of the board towards her and an empty chair opposite. Fairies are very beautiful and clever, but they are easily distracted.
The two knights were standing before the gate, discussing what they should do, but when they saw Lord Fairbrass and his companions approaching, one of them took the empty seat and the other ran for the gate. The lady looked up, but then her opponent made a move, and she focused on the chessboard for just long enough for his companion to get through. She gave him an angry look, then made her move. The knight made another move, and the lady did the same.
"Checkmate," she said, and it was, and his king burst into flames and was consumed. She leaned across the table and kissed the stunned knight on the cheek. In a flash he was gone, and a new white king sat in his place. The lady picked up the king and set it on the board, preparing for another game.
"Well, tha's one way tay dee it," Jack said.
"I am Caissa," the lady said, looking up at Lord Fairbrass and his companions. "Those who would pass must defeat me. Be warned, I shall not be tricked again as I was just now."
"What do we do?" Lord Fairbrass asked. "I will not sacrifice one of you."
"Don't worry," Daniel replied. "The lady is distracted by chess; if I can play a game to match her, she will ignore you, whatever she says."
"We can not leave you to face the fate of that poor knight alone," Lord Fairbrass protested.
"Trust in me," Daniel replied.
The wise man took his seat at the table, and made his first move. Caissa made hers, and he made another. Caissa looked impressed, and made her move; Daniel made another.
"You have outlasted most of my opponents," she commended him.
"You have outlasted most of mine," he replied.
They set to with a will, taking time now to consider their strategies, both becoming engrossed in the game.
"Follow me," Lord Fairbrass ordered, and he walked towards the gate. Caissa made no move to stop them, even when Tall Kay pulled open the gate, and they stepped through.
Beyond the second wall was a courtyard paved in stone. The stones were grey, and the light was red and flickering, coming as it did from torches set in the walls. The three remaining companions crossed the courtyard to the third wall, that which was made of granite. The gate in this wall was a gate of pinewood, bound in copper, with a heavy brass handle. Before the gate stood a row of zombies, clad in grey. Zombies are very loyal, but bound by magic, which can be broken.
The final knight stood before the gate, pondering what to do, but when he saw Lord Fairbrass and his companions approaching, he ran for the gate and drew his sword. He fought well, but the zombies overcame him and beat him down.
"Sure an' that's not the way tay dee it," Jack said.
"What do we do?" Lord Fairbrass asked. "I will not sacrifice one of you."
"Do not worry," Tall Kay replied. "These men are painted men, like me; if I can make them remember it, they shall not harm me."
"We can not leave you to face this mob alone," Lord Fairbrass protested.
"Trust in me," Tall Kay replied.
The painted warrior stepped forward, took up a torch and held it aloft, so that the light fell on his golden tattoo. "Listen to me!" He said. "I am your brother, and I have come to make you free!"
The zombies gathered around the big man, their faces still blank.
"Follow me," Lord Fairbrass ordered, and he walked towards the gate. The zombies made no move to stop them, even when Jack O' the Green pulled open the gate, and they stepped through.
Beyond the third wall was darkness. The earth was dark, the sky was dark, and the only light was a faint glow from ahead of them, within the wall, that which was made of darkness. The gate in this wall was no more than a light, the faint glow which guided them. Before the gate stood the great beast, Silaar the Cruel. Silaar had three heads – one that scolded, one that shouted, and one that scowled – and a great, iron club.
"An' I thought that the last gate would be the trickiest," Jack laughed, whirling his shillelagh.
"You can not face that monster alone!" Lord Fairbrass protested.
"Faith, will yeh listen to the man," Jack scoffed. "Yeh brought me here tay foight, and it's foightin' Oi do best. Yeh run along and save yer fair colleen now, an' leave this fella tay the professionals."
With that, Jack O' the Green strode forward, and his shillelagh battered at Silaar's club until both warriors' arms were numb.
Lord Fairbrass walked towards the gate. Silaar made no move to stop him, even when he passed through the light and out into the fourth courtyard.
Beyond the fourth wall, Lord Fairbrass stepped back into the Land of Silver and Shadow, but now the ivory tower stood before him, across a silver lawn. Lord Fairbrass strode across the grass, and came to the black door of the tower, where an old man stood guard, holding a mop in place of a spear.
"Old man," Lord Fairbrass said. "Can you open this door and grant me entrance to the tower?"
"I can," the old man replied. "But what will you give me if I do?"
"This spear," Lord Fairbrass said, holding out the old weapon.
"It is a good spear," the old man said. "I thank you."
"Would you like to know a secret?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I have dwelt in the house of Anubis and know more secrets already than I care to," the old man replied. "Now I shall dwell here no longer." So saying, he unlocked the door and allowed Lord Fairbrass to enter.
Lord Fairbrass thanked the old man, and climbed the stair within to the second floor of the tower. He came to a hall where a fair maiden sat at a table, dressed in a gown of plain white, surrounded by lengths of white fabric. A door opened onto a stair at the left of the tower, and a second opened onto a stair at the right.
"Fair maiden," Lord Fairbrass said. "Can you tell me which stair I should take?"
"I can," the fair maiden said. "But what will you give me if I do?"
"This coat of blue and silver," Lord Fairbrass said, holding out the coat, which had colours never seen before in that land.
"It is a fine garment," the fair maiden said. "I thank you."
"Would you like to know a secret?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I have dwelt in the house of Anubis and know more secrets already than I care to," the fair maiden replied. "Now I shall dwell here no longer. Take the stair on the right and you shall have good fortune."
Lord Fairbrass thanked the fair maiden, and climbed the stair on the right to the third floor of the tower. He came to a hall where a bold youth practiced with a wooden sword. A door opened onto a stair at the left of the tower, and a second opened onto a stair at the right.
"Bold youth," Lord Fairbrass said. "Can you tell me which stair I should take?"
"I can," the bold youth replied. "But what will you give me if I do?"
"This sword," Lord Fairbrass said, holding out the old weapon.
"It is not a very good sword," the bold youth replied.
"Then this shield as well," Lord Fairbrass offered.
"It is a good shield," the bold youth said. "I thank you."
"Would you like to know a secret?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I have dwelt in the house of Anubis and know more secrets already than I care to," the bold youth replied. "Now I shall dwell here no longer. Take the stair on the right and you shall have good fortune."
Lord Fairbrass thanked the bold youth, and climbed the stair on the right to the fourth floor of the tower. He came to a hall where a young woman in green sat with a viol – which is an old instrument, a bit like a cello – and a broken bow. A door opened onto a stair at the left of the tower, and a second opened onto a stair at the right.
"Young woman," Lord Fairbrass said. "Can you tell me which stair I should take?"
"I can," the young woman replied. "But what will you give me if I do?"
"This bow," Lord Fairbrass said, holding out the old weapon.
"It is a good bow," the young woman replied. "Too good to use to play the viol."
"Nevertheless it is yours," Lord Fairbrass offered.
"That is kindness," the young woman said. "I thank you."
"Would you like to know a secret?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I have dwelt in the house of Anubis and know more secrets already than I care to," the young woman replied. "Now I shall dwell here no longer. Take the stair on the right and you shall have good fortune."
Lord Fairbrass thanked the young woman, and climbed the stair on the right to the fifth floor of the tower. He came to a hall where a good scribe in white sat with a broken quill. A door opened onto a stair at the left of the tower, and a second opened onto a stair at the right.
"Good scribe," Lord Fairbrass said. "Can you tell me which stair I should take?"
"I can," the good scribe replied. "But what will you give me if I do?"
"This dagger," Lord Fairbrass said, holding out the old weapon.
"It is a good dagger," the good scribe said. "I thank you." He took the dagger, and sharpened his pen. "Take the stair on the left, and you shall have good fortune."
"Would you like to know a secret?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"I would indeed," the good scribe replied.
"Then come closer," Lord Fairbrass told him.
The good scribe got up and walked forward, and as Lord Fairbrass had suspected, the shadow of a jackal flowed away behind him.
"To know this secret," Lord Fairbrass said. "You must look here." He held out the mirror given to Tall Kay by the warrior Bray.
Eagerly, the good scribe leaned forward, and at once he was trapped. He tried to pull away, but he could not. The illusion he had cast was torn from him, revealing the wizard Anubis, clad in his black robe, and with his face covered by a mirrored mask. As he stared helplessly into the looking glass, a light flowed from the mask. The mirror shattered, and Anubis' cloak fell empty to the floor.
Lord Fairbrass took the right-hand stair, and climbed up to the uppermost floor of the tower.
So at last, after all his travels, Lord Fairbrass came to Lady Alice's chamber at the pinnacle of the Ivory Tower. The Lady herself sat at a dressing table, brushing her long, brown hair.
"I have come to take you home," he said.
"I am home," she replied.
"Anubis is gone," he told her.
"Good," she said. "Then I shall rule here."
"Come back with me to your uncle's Duchy," he said. "Where there is light and laughter."
She stood and turned, her dark eyes flashing like thunder. "Stay here with me," she said. "Where there is power to be wielded." She walked towards him, put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. "You could be my consort, second only to me. If we go back, I shall be just another simpering princess, and you a weaponless soldier in a battered habergeon."
"I have come to take you back, Lady Alice," he said.
"I do not wish to go with you, Lord Fairbrass," she replied. She tightened her grip on him, and kissed his mouth. "I offer you a choice," she said. "Stay here and give me your heart and your service, or refuse me and I will take your heart anyway."
"You have my heart and service," he said. "Wherever you might be."
"Fool!" She hissed. She flung him away from her.
"Come back with me," he said again, rising to his knees. "Come back where you are loved."
"I do not wish to be loved," she sneered. "I wish to be feared. I wish to be worshipped." She approached him, and took his face gently between her hands. "Worship me, Lord Fairbrass, and all that you desire shall be yours."
Lord Fairbrass took hold of her hands. "I have always worshipped you," he told her. "And all that I desire is for your to return home to the people who love and need you."
Angrily, Lady Alice clamped her hand around Lord Fairbrass' throat. "Stop saying that!" She demanded.
"I love you," he said.
For a moment, the rage in Lady Alice's eyes faded, and her hand loosened its grip. Lord Fairbrass pulled the bottle from his belt and splashed the sleeping philtre in her face. Lady Alice gasped once, then fell to the floor in a swoon.
"Forgive me, dear Lady Alice," Lord Fairbrass whispered. He lifted her up and laid her on her bed. Then he leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.
Lady Alice sighed, and her eyes flickered open, and looked up at Lord Fairbrass with the light of her goodness. "It's about time," she told him.
*
Lord Fairbrass and Lady Alice went down though the now empty tower, and as they walked away across the fourth courtyard, it crumbled into nothing behind them. They passed through the gate to the third courtyard, to find Jack and Silaar sitting side-by-side.
"How went your fight?" Lord Fairbrass asked Jack.
"Sure an' it were a grand one," Jack assured him. "Oi've promised ol' Silaar here another beatin' next week."
"Thank you for your help," Lady Alice said.
"It were nothin'," Jack assured her. "Yeh an' the English peg get on wit' yeh now; don't let me stand in yer way."
They passed through the gate to the second courtyard, and found the once-silent zombies celebrating their freedom.
"How went your day?" Lord Fairbrass asked Tall Kay.
"It went well," Kay assured him. "My people are free, and have asked me to lead them."
"Thank you for your help," Lady Alice said.
"You are welcome," Kay assured her. "Be on your way now; your uncle will be waiting."
They passed through the gate to the first courtyard, and found Daniel still seated at the chess board with Caissa.
"How goes the match?" Lord Fairbrass asked.
"Most stimulating," Daniel replied. "We have played to stalemate three times."
"I plan to keep him here until we resolve this," Caissa warned.
"It seems I have no choice," Daniel said, sounding quite pleased with the idea.
"Thank you for your help," Lady Alice said.
"You are welcome," Daniel assured her. "Be on your way now; your people will be waiting."
They reached the last gate, and found it closed, but at that moment it was torn from its frame by the golem. Samantha stood beside the man of clay, a grin on her face.
"How went your struggle," Lord Fairbrass asked.
"It was fun," Samantha replied. "And now I have this cool golem."
"Thank you for your help," Lady Alice said.
"You are welcome," Samantha assured her. "Be on your way now; I'm sure the two of you want to alone."
*
Cheyenne Mountain Daycare Center
"And so Lady Alice and Lord Fairbrass went back up the silver road, and through the magic door, into the clean fresh air of their own world. They found Lord Fairbrass' weary old horse, and walked back to Cheyenne Castle, where the Duke of Hammond welcomed them with open arms. As promised, the Duke gave half of his Duchy to Lord Fairbrass, who married Lady Alice, and although he was a little gripless when it came to managing a half-Duchy, she more than made up for his administrative shortcomings."
Technical Sergeant Alice Fry gave a small sigh as she looked around at the row of eager faces before her. Then she looked up at the young man standing in the doorway of the daycare centre and smiled. "And so they lived happily ever after," she finished. "The end."
The children clapped, and Alice stood up to give a little curtsey. Soon after the parents arrived to take their offspring home, leaving Alice to clean up. One of the older girls stopped by before she left. "Thank you, Sergeant Fry," she said.
"My pleasure," she replied.
The young man came in from the doorway to help her tidy. "Busy day, Lady Alice?" He asked, his cut-glass British accent out of place at the Cheyenne Mountain facility.
Alice blushed, pushing a hand through her hair – which was very dark brown, but short and tending towards the straggly – and looking down along her spare – some said lanky – frame. "Well, if I can't be a beautiful and gracious lady in my own fairytales, when can I be?"
Paul Fairbrass smiled and cupped his hand to her cheek. "Every hour of every day," he told her.
"You are by far the corniest man I've ever dated," she accused, but she failed to hide how much she was moved by the compliment. "So; how did you like the story?"
"It was…well told," he said.
"Is that all?"
Paul shrugged, helplessly. "Was there anything you didn't rip off?"
"I was inspired," she insisted, laughing. "And I'd like to see you do better at short notice. You may have forgotten, but this is not in fact my job."
"Point taken," he assured her. "It was a very good story, although I did wonder about a few things."
"Oh?"
"Hmm. Well, for starters I didn't buy you as a damsel in distress."
"No?" She looked offended. "You don't think anyone would try to rescue me?"
Paul smiled, fondly. "I think they'd meet you on the way, with the villain's severed head in a box, wondering where they'd got to." He put a hand on her hip and drew her closer. "I did like you as a femme fatale though."
"I didn't get too carried away did I?" She asked. "Last time I did this, I got complaints that some of the kids had started asking…difficult questions."
Paul laughed. "You did fine," he promised. "Okay; so why has Jonas been working a month on SG-1 but doesn't get a look in? And what did Sergeant Siler ever do to deserve such disrespect?"
Alice laughed. "He's a slave-driver," she said. "Plus, I just got my transfer from maintenance okayed, so he can't put me on report anymore." She sobered. "And Jonas isn't in there because the kids like their stock heroes, and I don't want to be the one to try and tell them that Daniel the Magus died of radiation poisoning."
Paul grimaced. "Sorry," he said.
"S'okay," she assured him. "I never really knew him." She brightened, and punched him playfully in the chest. "So anyway, how'd I do?"
"With what?" He asked innocently.
"You know with what. With the thing you nagged me about for hours last time you listened in on my fairytales."
He laughed again. "You did very well," he said. "You matched all the right lords and ladies with surnames and first names."
"I still think 'Duke Hammond' sounds better."
"Maybe, but a Duke is always 'of'." He looked doubtful for a moment.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"No, what?"
Paul sighed. "It's just that a Duke holds his Duchy from the monarch. He might be able to give away half his estates and property, but he could never divide or give away his Duchy."
"Oh, shut up," Alice laughed. "Why did I have to fall in love with a peer of the realm?" She put her arms around him.
"My father was a baron, but I'm a humble commoner," Paul corrected. "And did you just say you'd fallen in love with me?" He asked, a little taken aback.
"I guess I did," she replied, smiling. "Usually it's you saying the mushy stuff; maybe I'm ill?"
"Oh, I hope not," Paul said. "You know, if you just made Hammond the king…" He suggested.
"Oh no," she replied. "I'd be in big trouble if I started telling the kids stories about 'Good King George'."
"Again, point taken. One more thing: I think the Real Irishmen Brigade might want a word about that accent."
"Ugh," Alice replied. "Blame Corporal Foxley; she first gave Jack O' the Green the accent, and now the kids insist on it, even when the storyteller can't do one."
"One more thing," Paul admitted. "Was there perhaps some kind of subtext at the end there?"
"Hmm?" Alice asked, innocently.
"Alice?"
"I'm not saying I want to marry Lord Fairbrass and live happily ever after," she replied. "Not yet anyway. But maybe it might be nice to move in with him?"
"If that is what my lady desires," he said, kissing her gently.
"Oh, it is," she assured him, returning the kiss.
"I'll miss you when you move in with him," he said, when they finally broke apart.
"What do you mean?" She asked, worried. "With whom?"
"Well," he said, straight faced. "I'm the younger son. Lord Fairbrass is my brother."